Bacon.
Tortang giniling.
Beef and mushroom something (recipe my Tiya C came up with, shared with Ma, and which my niece loves when she was younger. I wonder if it will evoke any food memories if she has it now.)

Sabi kasi.

Sabi kasi ni Lord, kulang pa daw ang kalbaryo ko, kaya heto.

Sabi kasi ni Lord, tutal noon ka pa naman nagpapasenya, kaya magtiis ka pa.

¡Ayúdame! ¡Ayúdame!

The sun's out and that's good. I'm compelled to move around... and start doing all the chores I need to do around here. But just thinking about how much more I need to organize and clean again is frustrating that I go into denial and don't even want to do anything at all. But I have to because, duh, who else will?

I have been forcing myself to speak up and ask for help. It is very hard because it is something that doesn't come effortlessly to me. Then you read all these advice and motivational essays that say, don't be afraid to ask for help, people are willing to help if you just ask, etc.

But my pessimistic side says: yeah, but does anyone listen? Maybe they keep hearing me, but it feels no one truly listens.

No, the question should really be: does anyone choose to help me?

Damn this. It's too early in the day to be thinking so negatively.

I'll just have to do everything around here by myself again, even if it literally kills me. (Besides, I've done a whole lot already on my own, haven't I?)

Feels insulted when you don't pull out all the stops for birthdays, anniversaries and special events: #Leo

— The12Signs (@The12Signs) August 14, 2012

And then this comes up. ROTFLMAO. I don't expect all the stops, it was just one. So there.

Libre naman.

So Twister fries are back at McDo. And I am seriously craving for some. Sana talaga makaabot pa ako at may mabait na manlibre.

Quarter Pounder.
Twister fries. (Two, or three, kung pwede.)
Large Coca-cola. (No ice or just a few cubes.)

Srsly?

I am still very much confused about it. It does feel like the worst birthday ever. It's already given I am still struggling with my own problems and the upkeep of the house, then to have it aggravated by the habagat and disrespectful neighbors.

I am fully and painfully aware this sounds extremely bitchy, but to have your friends forget it? You really have to be kidding me. Did they really forget or is there some other reason? I don't know. I don't want to dwell about it, but it is just disappointing. I felt so itsa-pwera. I couldn't help thinking there was a conspiracy because I could see on my feed and ticker (yep, I'm referring to the FB birthday) that all of them went online at some point during the day -- even the ones who do not check their accounts regularly. So what gives? Sure, I removed my birth date from public viewing, because it does feel the people that post on your wall only do so because it's right there on the calendar, so-and-so's birthday today! I don't expect that from people whom I am not close to or whatever, since I don't know when their birthdays are either unless I also see it on the calendar. But it's different when it's your inner circle, right? I know I don't need to look at a calendar to remember when their birthdays are. I just know it. Really, is it too much to ask for, or am I simply being bitchy? Yeah, some of them did greet me (yes, I took in the time difference) but by that point I had given up already. Is it really too much of me to ask that your closest friends be at least among the first ones to greet you? Or again and again, am I just being a bitch?

I just felt absolutely lonesome that day. I tried to have a happy mindset, but given the circumstances, it was very difficult.

But who cares, right? It's just me, anyway.

I'm not even going to the relatives who always remember greeting my cousin, but don't greet me. I'm like, how sweet, they remember her birthday all the time but not mine. Um, we share the same birthday? It's just she resides in London and have two adorable twin girls. And, well, I'm just me.

Wow, I really am a bitch. Very drama queen.

I also tried to get birthday tweets from Del Piero and Ewan McGregor. I was hoping, but knew the chances were slim. So, tough luck.

I can't wait for next year. I'm getting an inkling it won't be worse, but it will be horrible. Horrible!! *rolls eyes*

...

Reading that back again, yep, I do have issues.

Others also sent me e-cards or PMs, and that I know is how they prefer to communicate, but they remembered.

I. AM. PATHETIC. AND. SAD.

...

I am still indifferent if I want to publish my birth date or not. Just to get birthday greetings?? And have my wall spammed again??? Then again, at least perhaps maybe even le boylet would greet me. Babaw ko talaga!!! Kainis. He did go online and I was thinking if I should do it right away, if it'll make it on time and have my name appear on his calendar. HAY NAKU. Nah, I only seriously considered it but couldn't actually do it. It felt so KSP to me. HA HA HA.

...

It just felt absolutely weird to have your birthday "forgotten." It was as if you do not matter and you do not exist.

Arroz caldo with patis.
Mommy's giniling.
Lumpiang shanghai.

Breaded pork chops with buttered vegetables: beans, carrots, young corn.
Baked potato.

Lomi.
Tokwa't baboy.
Tortang talong.

Champorado with Carnation evaporated milk.
Chicken sopas.
Chicken tinola.

Running on empty.

No, more like fumes. I'm so sick of myself, I don't know what to do, or what I will do. Anger and frustration is not a good combination of emotions to feel, just makes me even more depressed.

I feel like the poor relation everyone is embarrassed to admit they have. Better yet, the aunt locked up in the attic because she's craaaazzyyyy.

Rune reading.

Raidho (r). Eihwaz. Hagalaz. Dagaz.

Ma appeared in my dream this morning. I was finishing something at my Dad's desk. This was at our old house in Pasay. I remember thinking I'd finish it faster if there was a computer. I also remember putting the lamp with the extendable arm back. Then I went to the master's bedroom to check what my mom was doing. Apparently we were getting ready to move, and rather than just keep the stuff she can still use, she boxed everything, even the trash. She even used the old luggage I was planning to throw away, if it was impossible to clean.

Even in my dreams, Ma is a hoarder. They also looked the way they were back when I was a kid. And that dirty suitcase? It's actually on my to-do list right now.

Divided.

I feel, I Know, I can do anything. The problem is what. I want to be everything, too, and it's getting frustrating. Therein lies the dilemma.

Fwogs and other dreams.

The FWOGS were in my dream today. We had dinner/drinks at this bar in a Malate-esque location. K and I had met up earlier and brought food from another restaurant. We left the food at this table where a couple was finishing up their meal, so as to "save" the table when they left. K went to check out other places in the meantime and I waited by a fountain. She was saying hi to everyone, even the workers. When she came back, she had more food and drinks with her, but the food we had left on the table was gone! Somebody stole our food! Or was whisked away in the clean-up when the couple left.

V and M arrived. I remember V was wearing a blue dress, yet proceeded to lie on the couch, explaining she was tired. Some of K's friends were also with us, including an English guy. K whispered, he may be English but he's gay! Why couldn't it have been the English dude he's really hankering for?

Some of my friends were there, too. MA and CC, who was also wearing a really, really short dress. Her dress had a skirt on front, but from behind it was booty shorts. When she turned around, we could see how fit she was. I remember thinking, she must have gotten fit from all the running she's doing. We were wondering how short her outfit, so she hitched up her skirt and showed us. Yep, in front of everybody. It was cut high and MA wondered if she got a bikini wax. CC said no, everything off. MA even touched her leg to make sure! LMAO.

And that's all I remember.

...

Another dream I remember I had some time ago: I was at this huge vintage/thrift shop. I was wearing a voluminous, black ballgown. I saw this glass cabinet displaying lots of jewelry. It was a round cabinet so you were supposed to be able to walk around it, but it was placed at a corner. I opened it and was trying on all the jewelry, mostly the bracelets. There was this one charm bracelet I really liked. It had black gemstones and was really heavy on my wrist. Then my mom was at my side and she said to just get that bracelet if I really liked it. Of course, I did. But I still went on looking at the other jewelry in case I found something else. I just remember how heavy the bracelet was on my wrist.

...

There have been other dreams, mostly just fragments I remembered. The more vivid ones occurring when I slept during the daytime. And of course, because I did not write them immediately, I don't recall these anymore.

Except that heavy bracelet dream. I really remember that one.

Happy 76th, Da

Today would/should have been Da's 76th birthday. It's been 19 long years since he passed but I still miss him terribly. And I do this every year, too, yet it does not get easier. I just hope he's not disappointed with me.

So here I was ready to start writing again, just felt I had to, considering I haven't updated again lately. Plus of course I need to let some more demons out.

And of course -- but of course! -- some immature, petty, juvenile... I really don't know what appropriate noun to use...entity? demanding attention for her insecurities has to go ruin my day. Lovely!

I really don't want to waste words and energy on that topic. But it amuses me to no end that there actually exists pathetic life-forms on earth. (Bitchy!)

Promise will make updates soon. *crosses fingers*

Shutdown.

I've been feeling pretty awful for the past several days. It felt like my body wanted to shut down -- dunno, can't express it properly. I know I've been painfully hungry but when I do get to eat, I don't really feel like it. It's like my stomach cannot digest efficiently anymore. Then afterwards, I feel so bloated and groggy that I just want to sleep. But when I'm lying down, I still feel nauseous that I want to sit up. Yet I'm unable to stay upright for long because I have this massive headache and I want to go to sleep so at least I won't be conscious of the pain. So what am I to do???

At least today, I don't feel as bad as the previous days. I'm hoping I can stay up on my feet longer so at least I can finish some chores. God/dess knows my tasks here at home never ends.

Even in my dreams, my mom's hoarded stuff haunts me. Today I dreamt I was back at my homeroom in the sixth grade. I was looking through the drawers when I found stuff with my mother's name on it. It was strange to find her things at my school, so I just decided to take all of it home with me. There was even more in the other drawers.

The other part of my dream I recall: I was here at home taking a shower in my bathroom, then realized I wasn't even in my tub while I was doing it. I also noticed the mirror on the wall was gone.

April Fool's.

My life is turning into a joke, it's not funny anymore. I don't even want to wait for the punchline. I bet it will kill me.

Pringles.

And because I was feeling particularly low today and wanted some cheering up, I looked up episodes of Little Britain on YT. I really and still do not like the USA version. Like, what happened? They just crossed the pond and the humour was gone, dunno.

Anyway, stumbled upon the Live show performed in Blackpool. OMG. So. Bloody. Brilliant. Got me LOL in no time. Pringles. Bubbles. Hide the Sausage. Fat Fighters. Sebastian. Daffyd.

I am a woman!

Haters to the left.

I am a chicken with its head cut off running around in circles and sprouting blood everywhere.

I am a headless chicken spewing blood everywhere, running around in circles.

Running around in circles like a decapitated chicken spewing blood everywhere.

...

I'm confused: at this moment, I have nothing, and yet there are ppl who are judgmental and dislike me. What does that say about them? Heck, what does it say about me??

Mental block.

Hate it when I make mental drafts of stuff I want to talk about, and yet when I get to boot up my PC, all I want to do is surf or play games. Duh. There really is a lot to talk about it and I'd like to get all these things off my mind (and onto 'public' domain, ha ha ha).

Subconscious (Lee).

I've mentioned before how this is turning into some dream journal, because hey, what else can I report on?

Is it strange that the dreams I have lately, or parts of it that I remember, signify hope and removal of obstacles (at least according to the dream interpretation websites) when actually in reality I feel absolutely frustrated and flustered? What does it really mean if all put together? Am I correct in assuming that despite all these physical hardship, no matter how depressed I may feel about it consciously, inside I am resilient and will overcome these hurdles? Is that truly part of my character?

I'd like to believe so, because it is one little thing that keeps my hopes up.

Dreamt I kept being sucked under waterfalls then thrown out into the air. While airborne I could see light refracted by aircraft. (?)
— Ouiser Lee ✘✘✘ (@suplada) December 21, 2011

That was what I tweeted after having that particular dream. I can still see it in my mind. There were actually two waterfalls across from each other. I went under one waterfall, down into the water, and the pressure from the falls was so great that it throws me out of the water and right into the other waterfall, where I get sucked down again underneath it, and it's just like an endless loop. But while I'm up in the air in between those waterfalls, I could see a rainbow. At one time, the rainbow was being refracted from an airplane. I remember thinking, that's nice, and then back into the water again. Oddly, while I was being bounced around, I wasn't even panicky. It was more incredulous that something like that could and was happening. (Of course, it's a dream!)

MA interpreted it for me. She said that I may be frustrated, but despite that I still find hope.

Recently I dreamt I turned on all the lights in the house and didn't care if anyone thought it was wasteful of electricity or what the neighbors said. I'm not even sure if it was this house or a hybrid of our Pasay house and this one. (Interestingly, usually when I dream of being in my own home, it is always set in the Pasay house.) I actually felt good about having all the lights on and I could see better.

Yesterday I remember part of my dream where I was brushing my teeth really vigorously the paste was creating a lot of foam. Dream Moods interprets it that:

To dream that you are brushing your teeth refers to your level of confidence, your struggles and your aggressiveness. You need to look out for yourself and your own interest. Perhaps, you feel that your position is shaky.

The other day I also dreamt I was in this room, I didn't recognize where I actually was, but there were lots of cobwebs and I was brushing them off my face. Again, not in the panicky, instant-ninja-master kind of way. Now I remember there was even some light coming from a window somewhere. Dream Moods interpretation is:

To see cobwebs in your dream suggest that you have not reached your full potential. Your talents are not being utilized. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are neglecting your responsibilities, talents, or some issue.

Myths-Dreams-Symbols concurs saying it is about unused talents or indecision.

But I was removing the cobwebs from my face, does that signify I have made some firm decisions? I do know I am neglecting some responsibility, that is why I am trying me best by making up for it in other ways. (Still, it is very frustrating when other people refuse to acknowledge.)

...

My subconscious: it knows more about me than I do.

Dancing at stairwells.

Dreamt I was part of some dance group. And we did our routine in stairwells. We weren't dancers, we were more like gymnasts, too. And we kept going through this routine in a circular stairwell. People would stop and watch as we danced, or more appropriately, dangled down from banister to banister. Then we would move over to another stairwell which was rectangular. We were probably rehearsing because we repeated it over and over again. The other members looked like Irina from Project Runway and Heather Morris from Glee. When we went back up to start over, we met Angelina Jolie and she was very haughty. Was it because she wasn't part of our group? A younger version of Shiloh was also there. She kept telling me she wanted me to take her to a fast food place because the last time we went, I didn't get her a toy from the kids' meal. I kept assuring her we will go once I finish practicing.

Gerard Butler was there, too! I saw him the first time we went down and changed stairwells. He was drinking with two other friends. Strange because I think the rectangular stairwell was a cross between our old street and school quad. I was so stunned to see him and wanted to talk, but even in my dreams I couldn't think of anything to say. Torpe talaga! They were already walking away and I felt like I was losing yet another chance. There were other girls hounding him and were bragging to us that they really knew him, yet he didn't react when they kept calling him. Irina and Heather were telling me to show them the ring, show the ring! and when I looked at my hand, I was wearing this ring that apparently he had given me -- I automatically knew that just by looking at it. It even looked like those old rings with very fine filigree. It looked like silver, but had lots of tiny diamonds. Was it an engagement ring?! That I don't know. All I know I was still stunned that he had given me a ring. And he just kept looking at me even as we walked away from each other.

I finally managed to say something to him. He had taken off his shirt and he didn't look as buff as he did in 300. So I shouted, "You're getting fat!" He just shrugged it off. I thought he was going to be mad. But at least I got a reaction. Those other girls didn't.

...

This is turning into a dream journal ha.

Moving walkways.

My mom was in my dream today. We were at this hotel, kinda like the Philippine Plaza (is it still that?), the one in the CCP area. Either we were just going to visit someone there, or we were only checking in for the day. Somehow in the midst of exploring the hotel, my friend (Charmaine) and I managed to stumble onto a concert hall area where there was a rehearsal. Apparently it was supposed to be closed door, and the guards tried to boot us out, but we said we were guests. We did catch a bit of it, but then the walkway started moving. The hotel was equipped with moving walkways and at first I thought we would just move to the backstage area, but we were transported beyond that, something like a lobby but unsure if it was the main one. We even got off the wrong platform and the guards were still keeping an eye on us and said to move to the other door. When we got through that, we went down some regular stairs and there was a kid looking up at us, sitting there on the middle of the stairs. She wouldn't move so I stepped on her just so I can get down. The kid was incredulous. At the lobby, I found my mom who was wondering where I went. I told her we kinda got kicked out. But she still had stuff left in her room, so we went back up to get them.

While we were exploring, we found some of our high school batchmates and teachers. They were having  make-up tests (?) so the others can make it to graduation (!). I even managed to glimpse somebody's paper and the grade wasn't that good at all.

This dream also ties up with another dream I had before. I was with another friend (Mellow) and we were looking at all the rooms in this house, I think it was like a model house and we were choosing our favorite rooms with the nicest design and decorations. This time I was looking at a brochure with design plans on it, and the rooms were the ones I had already "physically" in my previous dream had been to. Since I'd already seen it, Charmaine decided to look at it on her own. I even told her she went through it backwards -- she went to the last room first before actually going all the way down to the first room. That house had three floors with three rooms in it, each floor had the same theme/motif and it carried through the other rooms, but each floor was decorated more lavishly than the last.

...

My mom doesn't appear in my dreams often, so when she does it is pretty memorable. She even looked the way she was before she was married, v. continental and all.

Crash.

I was going to say I had a strange dream today, but then all dreams are strange.

I was with my grade school best friend and we were going somewhere. She flagged this service van and we rode up front. I heard her ask the driver if it was going to our destination and I remember thinking I never heard of that place before, but now I don't recall the name.

Before getting on the vehicle, I had also seen airplanes out in the water (river?). These were local airlines and I was surprised, I didn't know they had seaplanes as well. But these were the big jumbo jets or airbuses, not the small planes. I remember what airline it was but am keeping it to myself.

As we were travelling on the road, two airplanes fly up one after the other. The first plane dipped and did some kind of somersault in the air. At first, we were scared. We thought it was going to crash but it righted itself. But just a few moments later, it did that somersault again and  did crash. Like a chain reaction, the second airplane also crashed. Now we were really shocked and got panicky. By this time I was walking on the street already.

When I looked around, somehow I transported myself to a hotel rooftop. It was raining. There were other people there and we could see the plumes of smoke from the crash. That rooftop was weird because I knew we were up there, yet it had a garden and shops and streets! There was even a salon and I may have had a few things done, too.

I remember someone had a rifle and was target shooting, but there was no range. He or she managed to shoot one of the street lamps and some of the people were angry. I thought what was shot looked like a bee hive or wasp's nest.

It was still raining. We could get raincoats and change into them at these dressing booths. In the booth I used, somebody was with me and I just said he could use the raincoat instead.

...

There's that theme again with this dream: air and water.

Escape.

It is remarkably eerie how most of the books I have been reading lately reflect my current state of mind, or where I wish to be, or how I want to feel. Then certain keywords pop out and I can't help think if my Fates are teasing me yet again. It's like little windows being opened, a bit of sunshine peeks in and gives me a ray of hope. (Naks, drama.) If only.

...

I should revive my habit of stamping books after I've read them. A friend made this personalized rubber stamp  as a gift years ago and naturally I used it to stamp stuff with my name. Mine, mine, mine. I specifically used it on the front or title page of the books I owned.

Actually this stamping business started with my dad. He had a stamp with his full name and he used it on his books also. He used various other stamps at the office, too, and we loved playing with those. Eventually he got our own stamp made, too. (So yeah, that's a precious memento now.)

At first, I'd stamp my books as soon as I got them. Then it just happened I started stamping them after I read the book. I was acquiring more books and was starting to get confused as to which ones I've read already. So if I see a book already has my name on the flyleaf or front pages, I'd know I'd already read it. It would be my read indicator.

I don't remember when I dropped the habit, though.

I'm still getting a lot of books (Book Sale junkie here). It's gotten to the point that even when I'm hungry and I know I should buy groceries, but I happen to see some books I like, I'd buy books instead. I always think: at least I'm feeding my mind. Next to the bed, books are the dominant objects you'd see in my room. I remember some of my cousins' reactions when they first saw my room. They were stunned at how many books I had, like they couldn't believe one person could own -- and READ --all those books.

The book shelves have long run out of space, because, duh, in the first place they didn't built enough. So now I've bagged and stacked them on the floor. There was a time when I hadn't gotten around to organizing the latest additions that these were stacked on the bed and I was sleeping next to them.

So, because I cannot see my library at a glance, I do forget which titles I already have, or which ones I've read. (My OCD has been dying to organize my books for the longest time, but it will have to wait.) And it is confounded by the fact I stopped stamping my read books.

I've recently finished Jane Hamilton's The Book of Ruth. I'm aware she also wrote A Map of the World, that it was a critically acclaimed novel (aside from being on the Oprah Book Club), and I knew I had a copy of it somewhere. Luckily I found my copy right away (it was in the middle bag of the 7th stack) so I started reading.

Somehow my brain started raising signs that this reads familiar already. Have I actually read this before? Isn't this one of my rainy-day books? (It's when I get a book but don't feel like reading it right away, so I save it for a rainy day.) Sure enough, I flipped through the pages and see some pages have already been highlighted. That's another habit I have: I highlight the passages I like with a dermatograph. Not with a highlighter because it's too fluorescent and it hurts my eyes, not with a pencil anymore because it fades after some time. That's actually another clue that I've finished reading something, the highlights, but it's not too reliable since sometimes I haven't marked anything.

It would simply be more convenient if I just start stamping my books again, no?

Five.

That's the summa total of my posts for the year 2011. At least that's two more than the previous year.

*slow clap*

My unofficial resolution this year is to write again. Unofficial because I really don't want to make it an actual resolution--which we all know just ends up being broken anyways. Maybe my official (?) resolution should be to try harder.