It is not the first christmas I spent alone.
It is the first I spent alone by choice.
It is the first I spent alone without my nuclear family.

If christmas is about family, then it does follow I spend it on my own, because after all I am without family.

I started hating christmas more when my father died. Not only did he die on my older brother's birthday, but he died when the house was already decorated for the holidays.

I cannot get that image out of my mind now, how incongruous it looked, a coffin right beside the christmas tree. It was like an oversized present, only it was a morbid, macabre box containing the remains of a loved one.

I am the ghost of christmas past: "These are the shadows of things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me!"

Don't blame me, either, why I hate christmas.

Life is not a bitch.
Life is a dick.
It gets hard for no reason at all.

sht

Earlier today I was picking up dog shit. As I was cleaning, it distracted me from the distress I have been feeling. Emotions suck. It occurred to me maybe I should just clean up after dogs and people. After all, people treat me like shit anyway. I feel like shit anyway.

🚩

i'm waving red flags here nabuang na talaga. confused as how come nobody sees them. or do they choose to look away? (only to make disparaging remarks when a fatal deed is chosen.)

wondered how sincere the words "just call or ask if you need help, we're here for you" truly are. or was it just lip service?

i am afraid certain ppl are wanting me to die and take my own life. they've already succeeded with my brothers, so now they want to do the same with me. the same mental anguish and stress. 

shall i give in? give up?

thank the Lord & Lady i am stubborn. 

i am just so tired of all this.