30 kms

Ma was in my dream this time. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid at somebody's wedding, but there were still hours before he ceremony so we were at this bookstore (nbs). I remember seeing Zafra books for only 25. I was also on the phone with a college classmate, and the reception was really bad I couldn't understand what they were saying but I was trying to. We were supposed to look for another classmate whose surname was Antik, but we went to the bookstore row instead. Then I remembered I forgot to bring shoes for the wedding. Ma said she'd accompany me to the market. I asked her if it was already open at that hour because I could just buy cheap shoes. I also thought why not just go back home. Ma said it was like 30 kms walk to the market through the mountains, I'd still get there faster. I woke up when she said 30 kms.

The palengke, I've dreamt of before. I wish I could go there IRL because there are some neat stuff, mostly stuff I like. Literally my dream market. It's near a church.

The mountains/bundok, I've walked in in previous dreams.

Rice cooker

I dreamt of my brother today. I was cleaning our very big kitchen when he walks in and says he's going to the mall to buy a new rice cooker. Although we had three rice cookers, these were all very well used and small. He said he wanted to get one big cooker. He even put a small rice cooker inside a larger one to see how big the appliance he was going to get.

He looked very healthy and young.

I woke up and realized it was mealtime already and I was going to go downstairs to ask my brother what we wanted to eat, and then I remembered he was gone and I am alone.

brain trip

Dawn the other day I was overthinking overanalyzing worrying again to the point i felt numb and couldn't go any further. My brain tripped on me. It shut down and let me sleep, even for a short time. Even my body will give in. Defense mechanism. I can only wish it will go on automatic shutdown again when needed.

foo dog

I've learned with angels is that you must explicitly request for their help. They are always around, but, well, because I can't seem to explain myself clearly right now, they won't take initiative in assisting you unless you specifically ask for theirs. Kinda like me sometimes IRL. Got me thinking also they have a bit of pride, too, then. Maybe stemming from the battle of Lucifer with his envy and jealousy of humans? But I digress.

I've been asking for protection and strength from Archangel Michael now. I prayed for his help when I was in a turbulent situation, and I asked for his help and I know he helped me calm down, with his cloak, and sword, and rose.

I am still asking for his intervention, and I have faith Archangel Michael will do his best in resolving the dilemmas I currently have. It's one of the few remaining Hopes I cling to now.

Yesterday I also asked for a sign that I can easily see and understand that he is working, and what do you know, I see one. It must be because how else can I explain it. Yes, I've been rationalizing it, too, because the chances were good that I would see one like that in the area, BUT how I was to know that THAT would be the sign I would see? It didn't even register in my mind immediately, then I heard his/his voice, and I had to go back and check myself.

It's not even dramatic like I heard trumpets and a full orchestra and gave me goose bumps. As I've mentioned, it could be considered mundane and ordinary, but again, how was I to know that would be what I saw?

A simple, ordinary lion which I could also attribute a lot of other meanings, too. But I did ask for a sign, and that was it.

I just hope now I can still work out through my overthinking and overanalyzing and struggle more with my patience.

dinuguan

Gusto ko ng dinuguan. Yung bagong luto. Yung mainit-init pa ang dugo bago iluto kasi kakakatay lang ng baboy na nag-iiyak at nag-iingay kasi alam nyang kakatayin na siya kaya ka nagising pero hindi ka pa rin bumangon kasi masyado pa maaga at aantayin mo pa magluto. Tas ipapagising ka ng Nanay kasi tanghali na at tapos na iluto yung ulam at masarap nga pag kakahango pa lang sa apoy kaya yun ang agahan kahit walang kanin. Tas itatabi ka nya na rin ng isang kaldero na para sa iyo lang kasi alam nyang maghahanap ka uli nito sa tanghalian, sa merienda, sa hapunan, pero wag sasabihin sa mga pinsan kung saan itinago ang kaldero para hindi ako maubusan hahaha.

Bad combination.

THIS. This is how I feel every morning, every day, for weeks now, months, years. Moreso that I have been left behind.

Nothing to look forward to,
nothing left to lose.

What if a moment comes when I listen to the voices I am afraid of and commit an irrational decision?

.
.
.
.

Don't anybody dare say they had no idea what I have been or am going through, or that they were unaware I have been feeling morbid; that they didn't know. The signs are all there, it's just that ppl will choose not to look or concern themselves with something that is obviously not their problem. As clichés go, only when it is too late.

I dislike this feeling of drowning and I cannot breathe. My heart palpitates and tears run dry. I know the reason it hurts too much is because I am still too close and in it. But given enough time and distance, life as i know it becomes "normal" again.

And then we're back to square one.

-14

I can already feel the ocean pulling back, exposing the emptiness. And then, it will all come rushing back again, in a tsunami of grief. I am already anticipating the misery and the loneliness.

Last night. 9.18pm. Two chat heads popped at the same time. WTF. My Fates are teasing me again jajaja

Friday the 13th. January 2017. Wala lang.