I had to go out and buy bananas for the bird because it hadn't eaten for some days, too. It's about a one kilometer walk to the main road. I hadn't even gone a third of the way and I was already feeling weak. Duh. But force myself I have to. And paced myself. That's my fear nowadays that I'll fall down whenever I have to go out. It's turning me agoraphobic, too.
I also bought some bread because I had change left over. What change? It's all I can afford! I had that with the tiny bit of Nutella I have left.
I really think my stomach has shrunk to the size of a pea. Even if I have that small piece of bread, immediately I feel relieved but soon afterwards I feel sick like I can't have anymore.
And basically that's what happened. I had three pieces of bread and felt nauseous. My stomach was in knots. At the same time I felt that blood was rushing to my head and ears, yet my color was draining out of me. By now I know what it is a symptom of. So I tried to get to my bed because I didn't want to fall down and wake up beside the toilet.
Oddly, I was still conscious of what was happening to me. The most notable being all the voices in my head had stopped talking and I could just hear myself breathing. I admit I was kinda scared also of completely losing consciousness because what if I didn't manage to regain it again.
But tenacious I am. I don't know if I should consider this “strength” as a blessing or a curse.
I just feel sad and lonely that these awful things happen to me and it's like I can't turn to anyone because it's like they don't really care what happens to me because I'm shit anyway.
