dinuguan

Gusto ko ng dinuguan. Yung bagong luto. Yung mainit-init pa ang dugo bago iluto kasi kakakatay lang ng baboy na nag-iiyak at nag-iingay kasi alam nyang kakatayin na siya kaya ka nagising pero hindi ka pa rin bumangon kasi masyado pa maaga at aantayin mo pa magluto. Tas ipapagising ka ng Nanay kasi tanghali na at tapos na iluto yung ulam at masarap nga pag kakahango pa lang sa apoy kaya yun ang agahan kahit walang kanin. Tas itatabi ka nya na rin ng isang kaldero na para sa iyo lang kasi alam nyang maghahanap ka uli nito sa tanghalian, sa merienda, sa hapunan, pero wag sasabihin sa mga pinsan kung saan itinago ang kaldero para hindi ako maubusan hahaha.

Bad combination.

THIS. This is how I feel every morning, every day, for weeks now, months, years. Moreso that I have been left behind.

Nothing to look forward to,
nothing left to lose.

What if a moment comes when I listen to the voices I am afraid of and commit an irrational decision?

.
.
.
.

Don't anybody dare say they had no idea what I have been or am going through, or that they were unaware I have been feeling morbid; that they didn't know. The signs are all there, it's just that ppl will choose not to look or concern themselves with something that is obviously not their problem. As clichés go, only when it is too late.

I dislike this feeling of drowning and I cannot breathe. My heart palpitates and tears run dry. I know the reason it hurts too much is because I am still too close and in it. But given enough time and distance, life as i know it becomes "normal" again.

And then we're back to square one.

-14

I can already feel the ocean pulling back, exposing the emptiness. And then, it will all come rushing back again, in a tsunami of grief. I am already anticipating the misery and the loneliness.